Earwax like this

“How long have you been getting cold sores on your lips?” I ask.

“Ohhhh… I’ve been getting them my whole life” She replies.

“I see.” I’m taking notes.

“And I gave them to both of my sons,” she adds.

I put that thought away for later pondering.

“My sons keep licking their lips.” she goes on.

She’s licking her lips now to show me.

I look down at my notes. “I see,” I say.

“That’s how you get them you know.”

I look up again. She’s stopped licking her lips. She’s just looking at me now.

I hold another thought and ask, “What do you use to treat the sores?”

“I put peroxide on them and then I put on alcohol.”

Ouch, I think.

“I see.” I say.

I keep writing.

“Have you ever used any antiviral creams?” I ask.

“Sometimes I use ear wax.”

I look up and look at her like, did I hear what I think I heard…

“Earwax,” she repeats looking at me. “I get a piece of ear wax like this.”

She’s putting her little finger in her ear digging.

I’m watching her now.

She’s digging.

“I get a little piece on my pinky like this..”

She’s showing me her little finger.

I look at her pinky.

“Then I rub it in.”

She’s rubbing her little finger on her lip.

“Like this.” She says.

Then she smiles.

“Why are you laughing?”

Then we’re both laughing.

Los Angeles 2017

Life is ubiquitous

 

 

LIFE is ubiquitous.  Entropic eddies swirled by stars. 

Life can best be seen as a river flowing through time.  The river takes a branch at chaos.  Not so much a branch as a focusing.

Johnnie, my nurse, is gay.  "I just had my pap smear" he informed me. 

I looked up from my desk.  He thinks he has surprised me.

"People like us get those, you know."  He said.  My drama alert radar was beeping.

"The doctor went down there and scrapped."  Johnnie decided to go into detail.  "It hurted me,” he said, “But it also felt good." He giggled and laughed at me.  I get no respect.

I was finishing a note in a chart.  I can write and think at the same time, but I can never talk and think at the same time.  Sometimes that's a problem.

"Mrs. Hernandez is here," Johnnie said handing me a chart.  "She's saying something about how she fell and a dog was running, I don't know, you have to talk to her." He passed me the chart with a shooing away jester.  "She's in room five."  He said.  And he was gone.

A new patient can best be seen as a gift from a stranger.

When I entered room five Mrs. Henandez was standing, leaning up against the examination table, holding her rib cage like this is the big one.

Mrs. Hernandez was an short, overweight, middle aged Hispanic woman with a full head of wavy grey hair and yesterday’s makeup.  I knew her very well.  We went back.

"Oh doctor Clark!" she started out then suddenly cried, "OH! OH! OH! OH!" she clutched her ribs with both hands, "OH! OH!" she exclaimed.”

"Hi Mrs. Hernandez." I said, "What’s goin’ on?"

"He ran out the door!" she blurted out between heavy breaths.  "It was Sparkey my dog.” She took several deep gasps.  “Not Trixy.”  Gasp,  “It was Sparkey."

"OK," I said, gently patting the air in front of me, "it was Sparkey, I got that, but what happened."

"Out the car door!” She cried.  “I opened the door and… OH! OH! OH!"  She was wincing in pain holding her ribs and I was starting to get an image.

"OK," I said, stepping to the side. "You were standing next to the car like this."  I indicated where a car would be with my hands.  She was watching me now.  "And you opened the door like this."  I motioned like I was opening a door.

“Sparkey shot out!” She gave a shooting motion with her hand and then,” OH! OH!" She was holding her ribs again.

"Hmmm, I think I get it." I said, "The dog jumped out.  You ran after it.  And you fell on your face."

"Yes."  She said with finality.

"Gee." I said, looking down at the chart.  Mrs. Hernandez had a body like a potato walking on toothpicks.  I pictured her chasing after a little dog and falling headlong.  I winced.

"OK Mrs. Hernandez let's get you up on the table so I can check you out." 

I put both my hands under her arm pits and gave her a little.  After some effort she and I negotiated her mass up onto the examination table.

I put my stethoscope in my ears and listened to her lungs.   There were clear breath sounds all over which was good.  Her heart was working overtime but regular.  I helped her lay back.  "Ohhhh Ohhhh." She said quietly while we laid her back. 

She had an abrasion on her right knee. 

"And my hand." she said.

I look at the palm of her hand.  She had taken quite a tumble.

I raised her blouse and checked out her rib cage.  I didn’t see any bruises but when I felt her ribs she winced.  

“You might have cracked a rib.”  I said to her.  “You should probably go to the ER to get an x-ray.”

“I can’t afford that doc.”  She said, and gave me a look.

I surveyed the situation.  She was breathing fine.  Vitals OK.  A few scrapes but otherwise nothing major.  Even if she had a cracked rib, they probably wouldn’t do anything.

"What would you like for pain?" I asked.

"What you got?" She answered. 

Now I had her interest.

"Well," I looked at her and said, "I could write you for some vicodin. which is exactly what I would be asking for if I was in your shoes.

"Yah," she said brightening up.  "Give me thirty vicodins"

Which started me laughing. 

I know I shouldn’t, but I laugh at my patients all the time.  I'm sorry.

"Hold on now Mrs. Hernandez.” I said,  “I’ll write you for some vicodin but I don't think you need thirty."

"Just so I can sleep."  She said in a little voice.

I got out my drug reference manual and thumbed through the pages looking for vicodin.  I always use a book.  I’ve never had a patient express surprise that I’d be using a book, which has always surprised me, however, if I’m ever in court that’s the book that I’ll throw at them. 

I ran my finger down a page and got to vicodin.

“Make it the 10 miligram.” Mrs. Hernandez said.

“Geesh,” I said and then.  “OK, I’ll give you ten of those.”

 

Life is ubiquitous.  Everywhere from the deepest hot vents at the bottom of the ocean to the highest levels of the stratosphere.  And so beautiful.

Life can best be seen as a river flowing through time.  Birth, life, death.  Birth, life, Death.

If we could look back each one of us would see three billion years of uninterrupted generations.

Everyone.

 

A few minutes later, Mrs. Hernandez was leaving the office and I heard her say to Johnny, “Doctor Clark is my favorite doctor.”

I looked up from my chart and called out,

“If you love me, give me one of those vicodin.”

“No way!” she laughed.

Laughter is a good indication.

 

Los Angeles 2017

 

 

Go lightly my dreams

 

The past and the future don't exist. They literally don't exist. I tell myself.

All that exist is this thin sliver of a moment that we call, now, wedged in between a past and a future that aren't even real. Go figure, I know, but..

 

But tell me, why is the past so real in my dreams?

 

I woke up. Outside in the distance I heard roosters crowing.  Slowly, I remembered where I was and I felt my dream vanish into nowhere. Kind mercy.

 

Dim morning light gently poured in through the curtains casting gray shadows across our bed. I straightened my legs and gave my entire body a deep stretch, squeezing out the last of the demons. I looked up at the clock. 5 am.

 

We sleep together on a huge bed. My wife and myself with our two young kids nestled in between us. Piled together. Filipino style.

 

I quietly made my way over to my wife's side of the bed and climbed in with her.

 

Early morning is our time.

 

Time is real. I know it is. But it plays with me.

 

Time is something that happens on the outside but not on the inside. Inside there is no time. There is only now.  The same now I’ve always known.

 

Now, is eternity.

 

Wedged in between a past and a future that aren't even real.

Calbayog City 2025

We’re in the Philippines now

"Frogs can jump higher than the Eiffel Tower," Sean, my eight-year-old son, told me mater-of-factly,

"No they can't." I said.

"But Dad," he said, starting to laugh, "the Eiffel Tower can't jump.

I sat back.  He did it again.

After a few moments he controlled his laughter and asked me,

"Dad, do you know why dinosaurs don't eat fish?"

I thought for a moment and gave up.

"No" I said " why don't dinosaurs eat fish..."

"Cuz they're dead!"

He's holding his sides laughing.

We were in my office. I was working on a drawing. He sat down on the floor and began playing with his Legos.

Presently he looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, are the suction cups on octopus tentacles like plungers?"

I paused for a moment to take in that image.

"Yah," I said, "pretty much so."

"They don't let in the air." he said knowingly like he'd already figured this one out. Then he stopped and thought for a moment like wait a second…

"Daddy," he said, "is there air in water?"

"Well, yah," I said, "There is air dissolved in the water."

"Then why can't we breathe under water?" He asked.

Hmmm.. That's actually a good question. How can I explain..

My mind raced for a moment considering semi-permeable membranes, concentration gradients, oxygen partial pressure, selective transport systems, hemoglobin binding capacity.. and..

I breathed a sigh of relief and relaxed.

That shit's over.

"Little dude, we're in the Philippines now." I laughed. "Go ask an octopus."

"Hey dad." He said after a moment. "Do you know why the skeleton didn't climb the mountain?"

I braced myself.

"Cuz he didn't have the guts." He said running away laughing.

Calbayog 2024

 

Waterfall

 

Blue, just blue

watercolor on paper

Los Angeles 2017

Akae Beka - The Earth is the Lord

The island we live on has so many waterfalls.  This one is near our home.  The cold mountain water is a delight to bath in.

I like to stand under the raging falls and scream.

In the evenings we eat Filipino foods.  Chicken cooked in coconut milk.  Locally grown rice.  Fresh fruits.

We have internet otherwise it would be easy to forget there is an outside world.  I read all the news and I thank God I'm here.

Am I hiding?

You know it.

These are some watercolor paintings I made a few years ago.  I was deep into ancient megaliths at the time.  And Blue.

The Earth is the Lord

watercolor on paper

Los Angeles 2017

Into the mystic

 

Natural progression

watercolor on paper

Los Angeles 2019

When I become artistically lost, I draw circles.

There is something deeply satisfying about a circle.  It conveys, at least to me, the completeness of life, the circadian rhythms of nature, the endless hope of rebirth.

I draw and I feel the metaphysical ambiance.

But I know it's all an illusion.

Hailu Mergia - Endegena

Yesterday we went on a road trip up to the north coast of our island.  We traveled through the Philippine outback and along the way we stopped and bought road side foods, which were delicious.

We traveled as a group.  My wife and myself along with our two kids.  Some friends came along as well with their kids.  

It was so beautiful.

We drove for several hours through the countryside and all the while, even though I knew it was all an illusion...

I had to admit it was a beautiful illusion.

It's an illusion

watercolor on paper

Los Angeles 2019

Seriously why not?

 

"Dad? What do you call a solar system without a sun?" my son Sean asked me.  He was trying to make it sound like a serious question, but I knew better.

It was evening time, and we were walking down to the docks to watch the sunset.

I thought about it for a moment and couldn't think of a fast comeback, so I said, "I don't know.  What do you call it?" and braced myself.

"A system!" he said and looked up at me grinning.  "Ya get it?"  he asked laughing.

Got to admit that made me smile.

It's about four blocks from our home to the waterfront.  Our city has a long docking area where fishing boats and water taxis dock.  It's really beautiful especially at sunset.  Along the way I stopped off at an ATM to get some cash.

When I got the money Sean said to me in astonishment, 

"You mean you can just get money from a machine???"

"Yah," I said putting the bills in my pocket.

"Then why don't homeless people do that!!!" He exclaimed.

I started to answer him and then I remembered that that is basically what the government does...

So seriously folks, why not?

I stopped walking and looked up into the sky.

Waiting for an answer that didn't come.

Calbayog City 2024