Third year medical student

I'm in my third year of medical school now. 

 I'm working in the trauma ER and learning quite a lot. 

 We had a guy in the other night who spoke in a strange language that seems to be used a lot in the ER.

 "Sir, do you have any medical problems?" 

 "Al vish rrrr amov." 

 "Sir, are you allergic to any medications?" 

 "Errmig abo immerr Hahaha Haaa!" 

 The police found him passed out in the street. No other information. Not even a name. He was drunk, he was filthy, he stunk. 

 His dental work was quite interesting. He had the right half of his upper teeth and he had the left half of his lower teeth. Everything else was gum.

His smile was contagious.

Of concern was the fact that he kept coughing up bloody sputum. After a while I noticed that all the staff were wearing masks. I did likewise. 

Then I heard the chief resident say, 

"Sir, we need a urine sample. If you don't urinate, we'll have to put a catheter in you." 

 Loose translation: "Sir, if you don't urinate the medical student (me) will have to put a catheter in your smelly penis."  

I went to the rack and grabbed a bed bottle and brought it over to the guy. I got down in his face and said, 

"Dude, take a pee.. please." 

 "orrr voo em Hahahaha." He replied but he started to do it. Thank you, Jesus.

Drunk as he was he held the bottle all by himself and calmly urinated, looking down at the drama.

This business of the police just finding people passed out in public is pretty common. A week before we admitted a different guy who had had a little bit to much to drink. His blood alcohol was 5.9 (five point nine) and he spoke that same language. 

The police found him in a ditch. At 2am. 

 This is February in Chicago. 

 The man was cold. Like FREEZING COLD! 

The cops brought him in and dumped him on us. They were busy. Bye Bye. 

He was just disgustingly drunk. And funny. He kept growling at everyone. And the nurses were cracking the funniest jokes. You should have heard him when I did the rectal exam. "ARRRGGGG!!!!"  He yelled and all the nurses laughed and mimicked him. They were merciless. 

He was fat too. 

His family told us he had a drinking problem. Doh... 

No one knew how he wound up in the ditch. Shit happens. 

Anyway, let me give you the whole picture. I'm not just the medical student. No no no. I'm the THIRD year medical student. Basically my main job is to assess core body temperature, heme positivity, and rectal tone. 

Loose translation: Everyone who comes to trauma gets my finger up their butt. Call that insult to injury. 

The other night we got in a 20 year old Hispanic guy who had rolled his car. The paramedics on the scene reported that he had had a loss of consciousness so that bought him a ticket to trauma service.

Actually he was just fine but he was in trauma now.. 

Trauma is a zoo. When a patient shows up a team of about six doctors and nurses start working on the them. Each member of the team has a different job. I focus on the bottom. 

"Excuse me," I said to him, "I'm going to put my finger in your anus." 

I guess that kind of came out of the blue because he looked at me with bug eyes and said, "Why the hell you gonna do that!?" 

People were swarming all over us and in the confusion I replied. "Dude look ... I have to..." 

The gloves were on and the lube was ready. I looked at him and he looked at me and said, "Buddy, you do that and you're gonna die..." 

We had a bit of a stare down and I must admit I lost. 

I glanced at the chief resident, and he shrugged his shoulders. "Forget it". He said. 

We took an oral temperature and just assumed his rectal tone was OK.  Anyway, we had more important things to worry about. 

On the stretcher next to him was my other patient, his girlfriend. She was more serious. 

Chicago 2003